my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
