I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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