You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
