I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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