you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
