He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
