i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
