You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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