Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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