She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
