Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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