Whod you bang
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
