This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
