I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
