Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
