3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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