After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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