Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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