I cannot find my penis.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
