we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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