Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
