Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
