nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We need to rekindle our bromance
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
