I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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