I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
