Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
