Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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