I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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