Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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