just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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