Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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