but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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