I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
