Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
