Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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