new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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