You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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