I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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