he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
