FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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