Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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