I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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