dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Did I show you my penis last night?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
