Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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