Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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