bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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