Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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