Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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