Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
