In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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